It's been a while since I last posted. But I just thought I could perhaps spend more time missing you then typing. Well okay, I guess that's a lame excuse.
It's 3am now and I have no idea why I am still awake. I couldn't help myself but to think why can't I think of anyway to help you, to a point that I don't even know how to make you feel better. Still, I'd like you to know that whatever it is I'd be standing right next to you rooting for you. You have my word darling.
It's really funny how I just might know the problem but yet unable to do anything. I know it's about your dad. I know you're struggling to figure out what does your dad really mean to you. Is he just someone that is just a 'dad' by name or a dad whom loved you.
Hearing the many stories you told me about your dad and the conversations you had with your grandma. I was convinced that your dad might not have that much of a fatherly love towards you and even your siblings, still I would always tell you that 'after all he is your father and whatever he does you still have to acknowledge him and respect him.' But seeing you feeling hurt time and again because of the various incidents, I can't help but really hope that you would cut off all ties with him and let the matter fade away.
Surely from my understanding of you, I'm sure you won't resort to this, both you and I know that deep down you still haven't given up on your father. I could see that you really wish that he would change for the better to give you all the deserving love that is righteously yours. You couldn't help but pray that he is living well while serving his time and hoping that he would really repent. You loved him and hope that he would love you just as much.
But now. You're feeling more undaunted from the actions of your father, he had another wife and even had a child with her. You could feel that your feelings you had for your father is slowly fading away but yet you just couldn't bear to let go. While trying to numb yourself and forget about your father, you started thinking about all the negatives that you had with your father. How you were told that your father actually wanted to abort you. How he walked out of the family and went to other women. And how he contacted you and your siblings only in the need for money. Not forgetting the multiple times where he lied to you and leaving you to wonder what he is trying to hide from you.
Till this point, I know that you're lost, you don't really know what to do. I could safely say that even if I were in your shoes I won't know what to do. I'd be at lost just like you. I'd try my best to find answers to all my questions that I had but it seems like no matter how hard I try there are no answers. I won't be able to find a reason to why my father would have walked out on the family.
I understand that you're upset and maybe I won't understand you. All these that I've typed may not be even true. There is one thing I wish that you would keep in mind. You're never alone. I will be here with you. I promise.
P.S.
I love you. always
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